As a culture/society/species
, we have labeled lesbians by so much more than just their sexual orientation. At first it was just creating different names for the word “lesbian”. Dyke, lesbo, rug muncher, carpet eater, pussy licker, pillow princess, etc. Some derogatory, most just humorous. What gets me going is the hypocrisy within the community. We are supposed to be united to fight the bigotry and the hate from the “hetero world”. Though lately it seems that the straight folks have been coming to our aid more so than our fellow dykes. I think we put too much thought into what other people think. So much so, that all that’s left is anger redirected at each other.
Let’s face facts. I’ll be the one to say it out loud. And be proud of it (at least to a certain extent). We have done nothing to make the stereotypes untrue. In fact, we have been pushing them to be more true than they ever have been. I’ll list some of them for all to see. Correct me or stop me at any time if any of this is incorrect.
1. Q: What does a lesbian bring on the second date? (Original version)
A: A U-Haul
This is so very true! The lesbian urge to merge is more powerful than the battery powered devices we’ve been chipping our teeth on. In the beginning it’s always amazing. It’s always passionate. It’s always “the best we’ve ever had”. And that goes for all aspects of the relationship: sex, emotional connections, compatibility.
How to change this for the better: Instead of keeping those blinders on only to take them off when they’ve pissed you off just enough or, even worse, when something younger, hotter, better slinks it’s way in front of your face… Why don’t we keep track of what it is EXACTLY that makes us so attracted to that person. If you can dig deep down and allow yourself to take the time to find out what that “something” is, I can almost guarantee a successful relationship. Do whatever it is necessary to keep that passion going. It’s not always going to be effortless. Relationships take work. A lot of work. But only if it’s truly worth investing that much into it.
2. Q: What does a lesbian bring on the second date? (Newer version)
A: A turkey baster
There is no greater feeling in this or any world than being a woman when you’re biological clock starts to tick. Many people, mostly men, make fun of this. I don’t see why. Maybe it’s jealousy. As women, we are capable of creating, housing, and bringing another life into this world. God could not give a more magnificent gift. Now take this and multiply it by two. Granted, more often than not only one of us (typically us femmes)are the ones who are willing to actually volunteer the act of conception. That’s not to say that our beloved dyke girlfriends/partners/hifeys aren’t as excited to be a part of this process.
How to change this for the better: Truly and honestly take the time to think this out. There are so many specific details that must be talked about and considered. This isn’t like taking out a loan to buy that RV ya’ll want to travel the country and make love at every romantic setting you can find. This is a human life. This is creating a family. Is your partner the person you want to parent a child with? This is the dangerous “f” word we throw out all too freely. Forever. Once you’re a parent, a mother, that’s a commitment for the rest of your life. So I implore you ladies to hit up your local book store, grab your partner and a latte and read EVERY book that has been written about being a gay parent. And please, PLEASE, don’t listen to your mother on her crazy rants when she’s talking about getting drunk at a bar and picking up a guy just so you can use him for his sperm! (I speak from personal experience, my mother wants grandchildren so bad she was actually serious when she mentioned this hair-brained idea to me.) If we ever want men to take us seriously and believe us when we say we are not interested in their lower anatomy and that we mean it when we say they’re full of shit when they say “You just haven’t met the right guy yet”, then we can’t take advantage of them the way they (not all of them) take advantage of us. There are good guys in the world. And those are the ones you want to be your donors.
3. The Lesbian Bed Death.
I don’t even know where to start with this one. I guess I have to revert back to when I was talking about that immediate connection and all the passion that comes with it. I believe the passion disappears when the blinders have come off. Which is why it’s so important to pay attention to everything that draws you to your partner.
How to change this for the better: Get creative!! You’ve already come out of the closet. Why not come outside of that box you think has comforted you for so long. Grab your lady and hit up your local sex shop. They make wonderful toys for us lezzies! They even make devices that allow for simultaneous stimulation. For me at least, there’s nothing that gets me off harder than hearing the sounds of my gorgeous woman while she pleases me. And if she were to achieve an orgasm at the same time as me… I might just be sent to the moon and the stars! So seriously, explore your fantasies and TALK! Lord knows nothing will kill a relationship faster than a lack of communication.
4. When a femme meets a butch (and vice verse)…
Being a lipstick lesbian ultra femme, I can tell you right now that nothing blows my skirt up more than a hot butch dyke. And from my experience the feeling is mutual in the reverse for butchies. Many people, mostly straight, and mostly my parents seem to think that if a femme woman only seeks out butch lesbians that ultimately means all we really want is a man. And you know something? They aren’t that far off kilter. Now I’m not saying I would want to be with a man, however, what I look for in a partner is emotional security and strength. Two qualities many men tend to possess. What keeps me from jumping teams is what’s underneath my partners boxer briefs. I love pussy… because I’m GAY!
How to change this for the better: It’s not necessarily a change so much as it is an exploration of your true sexual orientation. You are born gay. I don’t need to tell you this. If you feel that you weren’t born gay, then you’re not gay. It’s just that simple. I don’t believe in bisexuals… that’s my opinion. Not one bisexual I have met can honestly tell me they are EQUALLY and I mean completely down the middle when it comes to which sex they are more attracted to. If you’re a femme like me and you’re looking for a hot butch, ask yourself this question: Are you ready to return the favor? Granted, there are plenty of butch ladies who are strictly tops. More power to them. I, however, cannot be with a woman who won’t let me touch her. Please her the way she pleases me. If you land yourself a dyke and you’re in bed with her (which is bound to happen not 3 hours after meeting her and taking tee meeny tequilllla shots) are you willing to go down on her? Or at the very least, use your hands? If you’re even the least bit grossed out by that thought, you’re not gay. Go out and find ya a good man! Don’t become what I lovingly refer to as a “party lesbian”. It is incredibly frustrating to buy a woman drink after drink thinking you’re getting somewhere only to find out she’s really straight and just wanted to make out with you for four hours to get back at her asshole of a boyfriend.
These are only a few points I have thought of for now. I’m sure I’ll think of more later… in which case I will add to the list. I hope I have brought a little insight and possibly a more open mind to some of you. If not, oh well. Guess this wasn’t intended for you to read. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must attend to my hidden lesbian agenda! lol 
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