1. When I see a baby carriage on the street, I:
a. Quicken my steps, and ooh and aah over the baby.
b. Smile at the parents, and make plans to kidnap the baby.
c. Keep walking without making eye contact.
d. Turn around, and take evasive maneuvers.
2. How often do you babysit or take care of other parents’ babies?
a. As often as I can.
b. I never get asked.
c. I tell them that I have a vicious dog at home.
d. Avoid it like the plague.
3. When you think of changing wet, smelly baby diapers, do you:
a. Smile, sigh longingly and gaze into the middle distance.
b. Pull out my shotguns and oil them.
c. Rub my temples and pour a stiff White Russian.
d. Go the the gym and run on the treadmill until the thought subsides.
4. Do baby clothes make you:
a. Swoon.
b. Have feelings come up that I’d rather not explore.
c. They’re perfect for my toy poodle.
d. I give the baby department a wide berth in the store.
5. Three of these statements are true, which one is false?
a. Babies are cute.
b. Babies take a lot of work to care for.
c. Babies are a status symbol.
d. The Earth’s population is exceeding its grain-producing capacity for the first time in recorded history.
6. Post-partum depression is a possible side effect of giving birth. How does this make you feel about motherhood:
a. Bring it On!
b. Does schizophrenia count? I’m only asking for my friend.
c. They have medication for that.
d. Motherhood is worse than depression.
7. When talking to your friends who have children, do you hear them say:
a. My life began the day I had Junior.
b. We had to put Junior in Rehab, and Molly too.
c. I wish I never had kids, but felt that I had no choice.
d. My friends’ kids are the worst spoiled brats I have ever seen.
8. When thinking about your sex life after baby, what comes to mind?
a. Breastfeeding.
b. I scream louder than the baby.
c. Prolapsed uterus.
d. The Sahara Desert.
9. How many hours of sleep do you need a night?
a. I can get by on as little as 5 hours.
b. I don’t sleep when I’m manic.
c. Ten hours minimum.
d. On a work night I can’t sleep without earplugs and gin by my bed.
10. Finally, how likely are you to try and conceive a baby in 2010?
a. I have the sperm bank on speed-dial!
b. Thinking about it makes me want to smoke a cigarette.
c. Interferes with my travel plans to Nepal.
d. If Hell freezes over maybe.
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