I am not sure what to call this article…
It is about dating, and it is about coupling. It is about finding the mate, the partner that will accept me. My usual dry, objective writing is taking a backseat to some introspection at this crossroads.
Lately there has been some struggle in me – as a woman. I am, by design, or choice – or both, attracted only to women. The challenge, the new one, is that I definitively used to be a male.
I used to think of women from that male perspective, now it is different. Because of the hormones, of a change in character, I relate to them more while wanting intimacy that is in a different physical way.
I visited Sexual Orientation early on, mostly as an excercise and exploration of how gender is so different from sexual attraction. I knew who I was – and I knew who I was attracted to.
What am I to others?
What have I become to others? I have long crossed the line, yet I am not a real woman (and, with surgery I could fool even my doctor) and I never will be. I attended the birth of my son, cut the umbilical cord and held him those first few seconds – and I can never carry a child; to be the God woman that presents others with a new life.
But this is not about the shortcomings that I have as a woman, being a woman. My own mother could not have a child; was she less of a woman than any other? The child I gave up went to a family where the woman could have no children.
This is about me finding my place in a world that is binary, where heterosexual women fall in love with boys who do not have breasts and lesbians fall in love with women who do not have penises. Is that all there is? I have no problem attracting men, much to my own pain. I pass.
Who I am was so easily explained when I had short hair. All my earings were seen as artistic or as character. I would quickly disclose on a first date, a first drive together that I was Transgender. I went through the transition phase where I attracted attention as people tried to figure me out. Now, I walk through the store or down the street, and there is no attention drawn. I am lost in the crowd, with my secret being hidden – I get to still pee while standing. The surgery to correct this would buy a Ballard 30; such are the choices in life.
I understand most M2F TG’s go through this time where they try to figure out who and how to attract intimate partners. Their goal is defined as being passable enough that a man will be attracted to them. Well, I know a secret, because I was a man – there are always men who will be attracted to women, it is in their genes – it is hormone driven. So, I guess my goal must be to be attractive to lesbians. I am attracted to femmes who have strength.
Who am I as this new woman? I am outdoorsy, intelligent and mechanical, much in the way I was as a male – I did not rewire my past. I am also cuddly (I ‘contact’ sleep – something always seems to reach out and make contact). I cook well and like to cook, like my father did. The feminine in me has come forward as the tomboy I have always been. I never saw myself as a feminine male (I was not), but I had this mechanical boy side that fit with me as a woman.
And I fit neither what a heterosexual or homosexual would consider as the ideal partner when looking at the genitalia…
No comments:
Post a Comment