If I obsess, I can deflect from being honest with my feelings. If I let worry take over my mind, I can stay with anxiety rather than admit what is going on for me emotionally. I leave in less than 10-hours to go out of town with the woman who I’ve known and slept with since June off an on… We have not talked much in the last two weeks. I think it is because she is too busy with 2.5 jobs, jockeying for her dream job next week, and probably doing a little cave-like self-protection. Flights will not be feasible for her, and will only be so about 4 times per year for me. I still hold that we will remain friends, and that is a hell of a lot more than we were last year.
I like her. I care about her. I probably love her. I’m not “in love” with her, because I don’t get that reciprocal vibe from her. Some of this stuff (distinctions) comes from how culturally different she and I are fundamentally. I feel more genetically similar to my Dad who is Italian, and so I feel like a lover. I’m effusive and nurturing. Not a caretaker, but someone who likes to make others happy and feel good after some time has passed.
I’m intrigued to see what will be the context of our convos tonight. It is easy for me to keep my mouth shut, so I don’t think it will be that emotional on my end. I do wonder how she will approach me. Will she tell me that I’m dangerous? Easy to be with? Or will she fall back on “Don’t fall in love with me.” If the latter occurs, I’m going to ask her why she feels the need to say that.
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