Another guest post. This time, from a young Irish woman who has just started her coming out process.
I only came out very recently to those who need to know. Lots of people still don’t know.
last summer, I told one of my closest friends, who happened to just have come out himself, that I thought I might like girls. I was insisting that I was bi-curious. He was shocked but he was great about it, even more so when I told him a few months later that I was pretty sure I was a lesbian.
In that time I had also told two of my other best friends. The difference in their reactions was amazing. One was great about and said that nothing had changed. The other one was unsure. She kept telling me that I just had no self confidence, and that sooner or later I would meet a man. Since then she has slowly come around to the fact that I am actually gay.
I told my father after he kept pressing me to know where I’d been one weekend. I’d told him I was going to Dublin and it wasn’t a lie, but he knew something else was going on. All that I had planned to do was go to a gay club, nothing criminal-like. My father is pretending I never told him, so we don’t speak about it. My brother doesn’t talk about it either, but we’re alike in many ways so he doesn’t really care who I date.
hello again, Its been awhile I know but I have been very busy since my wife had our little girl. Also we have had some computer problems so anyway thats that.
What I would like to talk about is Jesus and homosexuals. I know that in my religous experience there have been many cruel things said from pulpits concerning this topic. Well I thought I would just put my opinion out there and see if maybe I could change some points of view.
The tipical thing most christians will tell you is that they believe that if you are a homosexual you are going to hell because you can’t serve God and live in sin. To this comment I say let him/her with no sin throw stones. It amazes me that christians have picked certain sins that a believer in Jesus can never stumble on. All sin is dangerous not because God will cast you to hell but because unhealthy decisions are not going to lead you in a good direction.
The other thing that comes up is that gay people aren’t born gay. Well yes and no. We all have unhealthy tendencies. and yes you are born with them. So are gays born gay? Kind of yes. Does that make it right? Well what I am about to say is going to totally offend all traditional values people. Whether or not it is a sin to be gay isn’t the point. The point is that we should love our fellow man not because we follow Jesus or go to church but because we are all human. We live on the same planet and the deeds of one of us effects all of us. So we must love each other with our flaws. We don’t have to agree with someone to love them! I know that I struggle with sin and I’ve been a Christ follower for 15 years. So to end this time let me encourage you the christian reading this think before you speak out against the gay agenda. And to you who are gay or lesbian let me say that I love Jesus and I do not judge you. Jesus doesn’t either so know that he loves you just the way you are. till next time.
From The Great One’s Blog: Catholic school boots student with gay parents
I’ve had non-Catholic friends at Catholic schools and they never got kicked out, even though some of them weren’t even Christian (one was Sikh!) and surely that “lives in open discord with Catholic teaching”.
We’re special. We scare people. We make the crazies circle the wagons.
This, unfortunately, will be no consolation to one very sad and very confused preschooler, today.
There’s a large growing problem I’ve noticed in fiction. In and of itself, its not an issue, but the way it’s tackled is something that really should be addressed.
That problem, of course, is sexuality. Whenever sexuality appears in a work, it’s never addressed in a way that makes it feel like anything other than being tacked on. I don’t mean stuff like Gay and Lesbian fiction – thats a whole ‘nother can of beans I’m not qualified to get into – but marking characters as Straight or Gay and doing it wrong.
Its as bad as the “token racial” thing. Somehow, a token gay has become a good character or what not.
Let me explain, lest I come off as a jerk or insensitve. Someone simply has to point this out.
Sexuality as a Character
First and formost, let me address that all of these crimes against characters are perpetrated by straight and gay authors. It likely isn’t a self seated hatred by straights against the gay agenda or anything of the sort. No, its more than likely that this is all rooted in bad writing. So lets not make this a political statement or anything.
With that aside, I’m going to point out the most used fuck-up in writing sexuality: The Anthromorphic Personification.
Think hard now. Think of the last thing you read with a gay man in it. Think about his character.
Oh wait. He didn’t have character. Everything about his character was rooted in the fact he was gay. He did gay things, talked with other gays, and made it a point to remind everyone that he was gay. Not necessarily camp gay – that’s next – but his entire existence is solely twisted around the fact that THIS MAN IS GAY.
This is bad. This is wrong. It’s also mildly offensive.
Lets put it in to example terms. I do love examples:
Jason is straight. Jason is interested in women. But we never bash the fact that Jason is straight over your head. As Jason is the protagonist, he does protagonisty things. He moves along the plot and likely doesn’t oggle every woman he sees, doesn’t pound his chest and fist bump his buddies, and doesn’t make sure to quip things like “Have I mentioned how straight I am today?”
Todd is gay. Todd likes men. Todd makes it a point to remind people of this every chance he gets. When confronted by women, Todd’s reply is “Girlfriend, you’re barking up the wrong tree!” When a cute guy walks by, Todd is quick to comment on his posterior. Todd moves along the plot, but everything he does is gay. There is no room to ever doubt his sexuality, because Todd is beating you to death with it.
And this is Dave. Dave is also gay. But the difference between Dave and Todd is that Dave moves through life without his gayness driving his every motion. Dave is the rare gay character in fiction to have interest outside of being gay. Dave doesn’t bother reminding everyone of his sexuality and simply mentions it as it comes up, which isn’t often because no one really asks.
See Dave there? Dave is what we should want in a gay character: A character. Not a walking sexuality with legs. Hell, you can go the whole story without mentioning any of these gentlemen’s interest in the plot and guess who would come off as the better written characters. Thats right: Jason and Dave actually have personalities, so they come out better for it. Todd simply falls apart because that was his only trait.
But lets move on to the other use…
CAMP GAY
Yes! The dreaded Camp Gay! Where all gay men are hair dressers with lisps who call men “she” and women “girlfriend!” Where all lesbians are butch militants who hate men for some reason! Where good characters go to die!
Don’t get me wrong. Camp Gay is great when you’re writing a parody, just like Jive talking black men and stuffy british librarians. But then you realize that, like this stereotypes, people believe they’re 100% true. And thats where we get into trouble. Nothing like watching a show in a seriousness only to find the gay character is a lisping buffoon who responds to everything with three snaps and a twist.
Of course, everything there is to be said about that one has been said. The issue is, avoiding this.
People! All I want is characters! Good characters! If you must throw sexuality into a character, make them an interesting character! I’d rather have a world full of Daves over Todds!
tl;dr: If you have to make a gay character, make them a character first. Sexuality is not Personality!
First; yes, the casual passerby may catch me whispering intimately to my red bull. “God you’re so soooo good. I fucking love you. Oh God, you were made for me. I wish this would last forever.” Over the course of the last two years my office has become accustomed to my behavior and I’m hardly the only eccentric adrenaline junkie here. Although today is the first time I’ve worn the same work button down two days in a row …cause I didn’t go home last night! Cue Matt & Kim “Don’t Slow Down” and swagger. SWAGGER! Oh yeah, swagger.
Less, swagger, back to my actual life. (Okay, swagger!) I’m going to get fat and a DUI if I keep drinking with Cuba. For a little thing she holds a lot of booze. Although she yuked last night when we got back to her place, so not as much booze as she thinks she can hold. Beyond impressing me with her binge drinking skills, she amazed me with her charm. Evidence: at the art show she bought a bottle of vino tinto espanol, which we walked around drunking…directly from the bottle. Oh, you know the path towards my affections indeed. (Although texting me from the metro telling me you were thinking about getting a haircut suspiciously like mine freaked me the F out. Why do girls keep doing that!?)
Post game at Freddie’s Beach Bar; Cuba initiated a little bar stool makey outey. Yay! I saw Almost 3-some guy from my last (and only) visit, waved to him, and he joined us. Cuba talked him into giving her his t-shirt so we could make our “Dykes Dig This” t-shirts. You know, in a parallel universe where it isn’t 11pm and we don’t have to go to work early the next day. The bartender was much amused (and still hot) although I think we tried her patience when we started playing with the plastic animal garnishes. Being the only hot lesbian couple cute girls there made our antics more palatable cuter. Almost 3-some guy ended up buying us a round and roses, and gave me mad props re: Cuba’s charm/hotness.
Disconcertingly couple-ly behavior exhibited all night, although for my part I’m basically a really happy, swaggering, grinning fool who’s happy to be kissed publicly by a widely acknowledged hot girl. That’s pretty straight forward…right? (Except for the random “us” projects girl kept throwing out there…that was make believe….right?)
She made me breakfast again this morning, nothing special just some toast and coffee, but still sweet. She also took a cool picture of me at the gallery last night in a room of buttons suspended on wires hanging like cobwebs. I would like to get a copy of dis…except I would have to send her a Facebook friend request, which I am not ready to do. Ohh, that’s too much access to my life. I actually woke up last night with “No BRG haunts me there (and she does, not me being all stalky but her commenting on stuff I post) – can’t compromise the only connection I have left” flashing across my mind. Then I turned over, assumed the big spoon position, and went back to sleep. One sick puppy I am.
Sure it doens't fit the context, but what the hell
Made no new plans with Cuba when I left this morning, but I have her t-shirt in my truck. Because I’m evil a dyke having fun I’m sure I will text her blithely until I go out of town. And I’ll figure the rest of it out when I get back from my *fingers crossed* debauched vacation.
How do I tell my children that I am gay?
I am a middle-aged woman who divorced several years ago and have two children, aged 14 and 11. One reason for the split with their father, other than issues with his behaviour, was that I had to come to terms with the fact that I am gay. But discussing this with the kids has become a sticking point. In spite of good intentions, of inclusion policies and acceptance of minorities, the word “gay” is still hurled as an insult at school. To move forward with my kids, and perhaps find a partner and at last do something true to myself, I need to tackle this head on. Most gay women either have young children born into a gay family, or none at all. I have drawn a blank looking for advice. Susan, via email
Unless you have brought them up to be incredibly intolerant and closed-minded, your children may surprise you. It’s natural that you feel nervous, but I also think you are projecting a lot on to them. Maybe you were brought up in a household where being homosexual wouldn’t have been tolerated? But they are a new generation and while I’m not pretending it’s easy to come out, whatever your age, it’s important to remember that it’s your children, not your parents, you’ll be talking to.
I had a good chat with someone from the Lesbian and Gay Foundation (lgf.org.uk, 0845 3303030 – do look on the website, where there are real-life stories about coming out that you may want to read. A quarter of the calls the LGF receives are about coming out). Please think about ringing the helpline – there are skilled people who can talk you through your worries and can even help with role play – taking the role of your children – so you can practise what you might want to say. I think this would be a really good idea for you, as you’ve probably never vocalised what you want to say and the language you use is important. You don’t want to say “I think I’m gay”, for instance; this will just confuse your children. The helpline can also help you with that all-important opener.
It’s with advice from the LGF that I make these suggestions for when the time comes to tell your children.
First: tell them in a quiet, confidential place, such as your home. Make sure you have plenty of time to talk – don’t do it when you know you or they have to be somewhere else, or if there’s a time constraint. Be prepared to listen to their worries. Decide exactly what you want to tell them, and how much. They may ask, for example, if you’ve had sex with another woman yet; decide in advance how much you want to divulge, so that you are prepared. Also, be prepared to accept that they may want to discuss it with other people. Make it clear to them that they can ask questions at any time in the future. Be aware that this will be an ongoing conversation. They may also ask if this has anything to do with their father, so it’s important to stress that your sexuality is yours, ie it wasn’t caused by him or by being married. Tell them that if they want to talk to anyone neutral they can ring ChildLine (childline.org.uk, 0800 1111).
The other thing to remember is that while you may have had some years to get used to the fact that you are gay, it could come as a great shock to them (or it may not, and they may have guessed – either way your confirmation may be shocking for them). So what they say immediately may not be how they feel when the news has been digested.
Remember, too, that children can take things literally. Remind them that nothing else has changed, that no matter what happens they will continue to live with you and that you love them.
They will take the lead from you – if you start crying when you tell them, and are too emotional, they will think that is the response required. Be calm and confident and don’t be apologetic. This isn’t something to be sorry for. You’re telling them you’re gay, not a mass murderer. That said, you can say “I’m sorry if this is a shock” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” if they react badly – but don’t be tempted to just say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” in a random fashion. Be strong – they’ll need to know that you can handle it.
er or later I would meet a man. Since then she has slowly come around to the fact that I am actually gay.
hello again, Its been awhile I know but I have been very busy since my wife had our little girl. Also we have had some computer problems so anyway thats that.